Syppin gin and juice

Naturally, I get that little flutter of excitement (or maybe it's just indigestion when I don't take my morning Prilosec) when I see that some dating site has notified me of a new message from someone potentially wonderful (emphasis on "potentially").  But most of the time that flutter turns into full-blown gastroesophageal reflux when I open said message.  

Where to begin with this one...THAT is your username?  Please tell me that you were dictating your profile setup and it autocorrected to that.  And that you didn't bother to proofread it.  Because maybe you can't read.  I don't judge.  If you can't read, that's fine.  There are plenty of programs to teach you.  No, no, not me, I'm not a teacher and I don't care to date someone who can't read, but plenty of programs.  Don't judge me.

Or maybe you got your MBA at the Wharton School, don't like the letter "h" and your last name is Mytongue?  Me-ton-GYOO?  Isn't that French nobility?

Wishful thinking.  I believe the harsh reality is that this guy thinks his username is funny.  Or it's something weird and kinky I don't know about.  Better check my Urban Dictionary app.  Bad idea...besides a wart being a wart, it's several other things, none of which you want in your mouth.  But one definition could apply:

So our online Romeo here is actually a descendant of Louis IX, St. Louis himself, who doesn't use the letter "h" because of that whole thing with the Huguenots and who went to a top-notch business school but is just keepin' it real by saying he gets mouth sores like the common man.

No.

Dude, a wart anywhere is not attractive or pleasant, let alone one on soft tissue, and you should probably get that checked out as it will most likely require some sort of prescription treatment to attack it from within since topical treatments probably won't be effective in your mouth.  And while you're at it, stop licking college dorm shower floors and that won't happen again. 

Also, what the heck does "syp" mean?  Southern yellow pine?  Saskatchewan Youth Parliament?  Syphilis??  Is this a cry for medical help?  You already have a wart in your mouth so God only knows what else you're carrying.  Did you intend to write 'sup?  Because that, coupled with the fact that there were no additional words in the email, would make more sense than syp.  Either way, complete sentences with at minimum a noun, verb and punctuation are appreciated.  

Oh wait, I forgot you can't read.