Help me out here, but does this eHarmony member's pixelated hair lead you to believe that it's Photoshopped on there? It's a grainy photo to begin with, but it's pretty bad up top...like he did it in Paint with the airbrush tool. (You remember; it's that little can of spray paint that left behind a cluster of twelve dots with each click.) Why would you do that? I mean, Paint is so Windows 1.0. Get with the times.
Oh wait, I meant why would you lie--especially about something that can easily be discovered, such as appearance, age, education or employment? I went on a date once with a guy I met on Match who said he had gone to Harvard. During dinner I found out that he had actually dropped out of his behavioral modification boarding school, eventually got a GED, and the only time he "attended" Harvard was while "auditing" his mother's classes as a pre-schooler when she was teaching there.
Here's another favorite:
The flame isn't the only thing that's murky here. So is your memory. Dude, if you're 40, then this is an untouched photo from my recent cruise. I'm totally going to post this.
And then there's this one.
Several years ago I dated a European man I met on Match. Let's call him, oh, I don't know, Al Coholic, and he was from, let's say, Liarland. Al told me that he was born abroad and lived there until he was a teen with his native mother and American father before relocating to his father's hometown of St. Louis. He had a fairly strong accent and passports for both countries, could speak the ancestral tongue, had lots of family there and lots of Liarlandish stuff in his house here. A few months into the relationship he broke up with me via text message. It was a good thing in the long run, but if you want to see me really unleash my inner Kraken, break up with me via text.
So then last October he showed up in my Tinder feed. Curious to see the outcome, I swiped right (affirmative). "It's a match!" came up on the screen which meant that we could now chat. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink.
Not being one to turn down a free drink, we met a couple weeks later. Al still had the accent, a drinking problem and Liarland accoutrements on his car. But he soon told me that he needed to apologize for lying. The accent suddenly disappeared and he started talking just like you, me and Tom Brokaw. Born in St. Louis County. Lived in Liarland for a few years as a young child because his mom really is from there, but they moved back to St. Louis early on and he's lived here ever since.
He had me, my family and my friends totally fooled, and apparently a slew of other people too. He turned the accent back on whenever the waitress came to our table. It was so natural...and probably a little on the dissociative identity disorder side. We hung out a few times after that (not anything special--just as two people who argued a lot), but then the cat dragged him back out again from whence he came. I've still got two of his DVDs at my house from January. They're yours for five bucks.
Vlad would never lie about his accent, would you, Vlad?
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