Several people have asked me if these are real guys with real profiles. Oh, you got me. I've staged every single photo and paid the the models handsomely with a grant from The Clinton Foundation.
You just can't make this shit up, people.
This email arrived two days ago. I read his profile, and based on his job I'm sure he really is a genuinely nice guy (albeit someone with poor decision-making skills), but if I met him in person it would take everything within me to suppress the urge to hang my keys on that chin thing. And the fact that the nose ring is crooked is sending my OCD into overdrive.
I had to look up bridge piercing (the two balls on the ends of the bar across the bridge of his nose). Yeah, no thanks. Apparently this type of piercing has a tendency to eventually make its way to the surface because there isn't a lot of skin there to hold it in place...unlike the stretched-out earlobes holding what I assume are huge gauges. Or they're little dreadlock pigtails. Or corks. I can't really tell.
But what I appreciate most about this photo is the fact that he has "metal" tattooed across his neck...just in case the actual metal in his face wasn't a dead giveaway that he likes smelted minerals. I bet it's helpful for TSA agents, though. Very straightforward. Saves questioning when getting a secondary wanding. I think I'll get a big tattoo across my belly that says "water retention" to alleviate any confusion the next time I'm naked in front of a guy. I don't want him to think I'm fat. Thanks for the idea, dude.
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