Clearly labeled

Several people have asked me if these are real guys with real profiles.  Oh, you got me.  I've staged every single photo and paid the the models handsomely with a grant from The Clinton Foundation. 

You just can't make this shit up, people.  

This email arrived two days ago.  I read his profile, and based on his job I'm sure he really is a genuinely nice guy (albeit someone with poor decision-making skills), but if I met him in person it would take everything within me to suppress the urge to hang my keys on that chin thing.  And the fact that the nose ring is crooked is sending my OCD into overdrive.

I had to look up bridge piercing (the two balls on the ends of the bar across the bridge of his nose).  Yeah, no thanks.  Apparently this type of piercing has a tendency to eventually make its way to the surface because there isn't a lot of skin there to hold it in place...unlike the stretched-out earlobes holding what I assume are huge gauges.  Or they're little dreadlock pigtails.  Or corks.  I can't really tell.

But what I appreciate most about this photo is the fact that he has "metal" tattooed across his neck...just in case the actual metal in his face wasn't a dead giveaway that he likes smelted minerals.  I bet it's helpful for TSA agents, though.  Very straightforward.  Saves questioning when getting a secondary wanding.  I think I'll get a big tattoo across my belly that says "water retention" to alleviate any confusion the next time I'm naked in front of a guy.  I don't want him to think I'm fat.  Thanks for the idea, dude.

And unicorn makes three

Might I suggest some cumin instead?  Get yourself a nice tagine and forget about an extra women.  Woman.

The grammar and spelling errors presented here are about to trigger a seizure.  I'd better sit down.  And, for the record, I'm ok with tattoos...a full sleeve is cool, but our groom-to-be has a full turtleneck with thumb holes.  This guy is a Highlights hidden picture page incarnate.  Coupled with my adult-onset ADD, this would be a bad combination.  I can just see me in a moment of intimacy:  "Hey, I found the bell!"  And then I would circle it with the Sharpie I keep by the bed.

But why stop at the knuckles, jaw line or waistband?  Oh, hell, go for broke, dude.  Unless you are broke.  I'll assume you have exhausted your available funds on body adornment and as a result cannot afford a shirt.  Or shorts with pockets.  Get your damn hand off your groin and pull your pants up.  Your dirty briefs are freaking me out more than your poor spelling.

And let's not forget the threesome.  Gah.  This comes up a lot in online profiles.  As I've said before, there are specific sites for this kind of activity, so please don't jump in the pool during wannabe-couple-only swim.

This guy and his wife are another pair who should have their pool passes revoked:

You KNOW I had to look up "unicorn" on Urban Dictionary.  I was honestly afraid of what I might find, but it's not that bad:

Well, it's bad in that they just want some gal for sex and household contributions with zero emotional involvement, but it's not as bad as the weird plushy/pony direction where my mind was initially headed.  So basically you want Rosie from the Jetsons with a few extra attachments.  Get a Roomba and go to town, chief.

As for the guy at the top, I still suggest cumin...although based on his spelling performance I imagine he'll interpret that as something entirely different.

Mystery dates

One of my biggest online dating site pet-peeves is not having a profile pic.  If I can't see you, what makes you think I'm going to contact you, let alone meet you?  I need to, at the very least, compare your photo to several online mugshot databases.  There's a reason why Chinese restaurants have photos of almost every entree--so you know what you're getting.  That reminds me, I need to help a friend put up some lost dog posters later.

Even when you have a blind date set up by a mutual friend, they show you photo or offer a verbal physical description.  This usually works fine...except the time I was set up with someone who arrived at my condo and turned out to be shorter than me (having only seen a head shot).  I'm only 5'2", so that's really something.  Seeing as how I did not want to sentence my potential children to a life of seasonal employment wearing tights and jingle-bell shoes, we didn't go out again.

But, seriously, if there's no photo, how do I know that you don't have a tiger tattooed on your face?  Your package in a deer skull?  Or, worst of all, wear Affliction t-shirts?  Proper vetting involves visuals.  At least Pen Guy was honest.

And then you have guys who post photos, but are ambiguous in other areas:

Oh good, a person.  That's just the kind of mammal I was hoping to meet.  I'm so glad you have photos to back it up.  But if just being a person is your occupation (that's what that line is really for, and you didn't mention anything to indicate employment or marketable skills in the rest of the profile that you left blank), I don't think I can support both of us on my non-profit salary.  Sorry, dude, no sugar mama here.  I'm more of an off-brand low-calorie artificial sweetener mama.  Might I suggest you go buy a python and charge other single guys to take a selfie with it so you can have some real income and a career path.  There's actually a market for that.

Le biscuit dans le nez

The dark, dramatic mood of film noir is evident in the photography it inspires.  We immediately feel the vulnerability of our subject as he is presented to us partially exposed, his arms drawn close in a fetal, shielding way, alluding to both his naivete as well as the experience-driven need for self-preservation.

The contrasting shadows of the folded curtain behind him evoke the unknown; who lurks in the background, what fate awaits our muse?

The juxtaposition of the Japanese snack cookies with--what the f*ck?  Why is there Pocky in this picture?  And, sweet baby Jesus, is that one up his nose?  You can't snort a cookie.  It goes in your mouth.  At least Twizzlers Guy had it right.  And he had a shirt.  Forget all that bull crap I just said.  I have no freaking idea what is going on here.

I need a drink.

Dust bunnies

Thankfully, since this is not two-way video, you don't.  But, sadly, I do.  And I can't un-see you...which is quite probably the greatest barrier to the success of our relationship.

Why, pray tell, are you on the floor?  Have you fallen and can't get up?  Because if that's the case, then for the love of God, stop taking a damn selfie and scooch closer to the phone to call for some help.  Warn them that you're naked.  And that apparently your floors are slick otherwise you wouldn't have fallen down in the first place.

But if you haven't fallen and dropped your smartphone just out reach...why are you down there?  I shudder to think where you may have attached a Swiffer cloth.

There's absolutely no good reason why I would be laying on my own floor naked, prone and alone unless I had some sort of TIA after getting out of the shower.  Even then, however, I wouldn't be like, "I need to get up, I need to call for help, I need to put on a robe...but let me take a selfie first."

And then I certainly wouldn't make it my profile pic (yes, his profile pic) on a dating site because that's like saying, "Hey, dudes, I fall down a lot.  You like that?  It's hot."

And has anyone been in a bachelor's home lately?  Believe me, you don't want to walk barefoot on the floor let alone allow your tender bits touch it.  And does this guy have pets?  Cats?  Because just the thought of dander in my crannies is causing me to break out in hives.

So get up.  Stop reaching for E.T. (I imagine he's probably moving those little legs as fast as he can to get away from you).  This isn't seductive behavior unless you're a python.  And if that's the case, I can certainly get you in touch with some people who might be interested.

Why can't it just be Monty?

So apparently the python pic was not an isolated incident.  However, in the cases above it seems as though these lovelies have already consumed their taxidermied animal brethren, leaving only themselves with their clearly not-so-great-at-decision-making handlers.

Please note that these are two different guys who posted photos on two different sites.  That alone should shatter any faith in the online dating system.  However, one does seem to be a little smarter than the other--I'm talking about the one who does not have one of the five largest species of snakes in the world wrapped around his neck twice.  You know, the one not flashing a wedding ring either.

Let's hope natural selection is in play here, and, guess what, you've been selected to take one for the team.

Sigh.  And then there's this guy.

No, they're probably not, because they just aren't (especially when there's a pair of them hanging from the back of a trailer hitch and I have to look at them in traffic--God, I hate those), and neither are the 21 baby ball pythons that you're raising in your house (although I do give you points for username creativity).  Good thing you don't have kids because DFS would surely take them away.  I know this because I'd be the one calling them.

Always buying more?  Aren't you already bordering on an infestation?  I'm so not coming over.  Or within a five-mile radius of your home.  And get that thing off your neck before I start going all Darwin on you, too.

And just when you think it's safe to go back into the life mate search, here comes one more snake dude.  Mad props for not having it wrapped around your carotid artery.  There's hope here.  Except if those are your babies, I'm not really seeing your potential in fathering mine.  I was going for something a little less reptilian and predatory.  And the only snake I want in my house is that belonging to a plumber after I flush that thing.

Fun fact:  a natural predator to pythons is the cougar.  I'm 41.  Just sayin'.