Earlier in the spring I rejoined Match.com again for another three-month stint of online adventure...although I immediately had the feeling that I should have just taken the $63 and fed it to a goat.
Within the first few hours of my reactivated membership I received Match emails from three men: a German living in a rural area five states away, a friend of mine welcoming me back to the fold, and a local chef looking for an unapologetic smoker who rules her household with an iron fist and a leather whip.
This is my life.
And then there are the profile views. When you actually pay for Match.com, you get to see who's trolling your profile. This can be fun. Or horrifying. Whatever.
Here's a sample:
I do hope he's referring to a harvest of grain rather than souls. And we're just going to skip over his marital status because you know that a vein in my neck is already starting to twitch.
And let's talk profile photos. SO MANY men take selfies at this angle...and they shouldn't.
It's like the last thing you see before he shuts the trunk.
And thus continued several weeks of hungry goats...until I actually got a live one who looked pretty normal in his photos, spelled correctly, and responded to my email. We chatted for a couple days and then he sent me a link to a video on his YouTube channel. Fatal error.
Within the first few hours of my reactivated membership I received Match emails from three men: a German living in a rural area five states away, a friend of mine welcoming me back to the fold, and a local chef looking for an unapologetic smoker who rules her household with an iron fist and a leather whip.
This is my life.
And then there are the profile views. When you actually pay for Match.com, you get to see who's trolling your profile. This can be fun. Or horrifying. Whatever.
Here's a sample:
I do hope he's referring to a harvest of grain rather than souls. And we're just going to skip over his marital status because you know that a vein in my neck is already starting to twitch.
And let's talk profile photos. SO MANY men take selfies at this angle...and they shouldn't.
It's like the last thing you see before he shuts the trunk.
And thus continued several weeks of hungry goats...until I actually got a live one who looked pretty normal in his photos, spelled correctly, and responded to my email. We chatted for a couple days and then he sent me a link to a video on his YouTube channel. Fatal error.
I can't make this shit up, people. That's an almost 50-year-old man wearing a chicken costume and shiny pants strutting his stuff with a sock monkey strapped to his groin.
And he is damn proud of it.
This goes on for an eternity. Or four minutes. Whichever seems longer.
Combine this video with his vlog discussions of government conspiracy theories and UFO sightings and we hit the trifecta.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Or not.
